Why “Don’t take this the wrong way” is always taken the wrong way
It is meant to soften feedback but warns people that something painful is coming, so they defend themselves and miss the point. Drop the warning.
THE QUICK ANSWER
Say this instead: “Here’s what I noticed, and why I’m raising it.” “Don’t take this the wrong way” is meant to soften feedback, but it warns people something painful is coming, so they defend themselves and miss the point. Say what you saw, what changed, and what you would like next, kindly, once, and then listen.
GO DEEPER
Why the warning backfires
“Don’t take this the wrong way” is meant to soften feedback. You know it might sting, and you want to show you are being careful.
But it works as a warning. The moment someone hears it, they brace. They start preparing a defence, and they listen for what is wrong rather than what you actually mean. The feedback gets taken the wrong way, because you have just told them to expect something painful.
Drop the warning. Say what you saw, what changed, and what you would like to see next. “Here’s what I noticed, and why I’m raising it.” It is calm, specific and kind, and it keeps the conversation on the issue rather than on the person.
Then say it once and stop talking. Listen to their answer. The silence feels uncomfortable, but it is where the other person starts to think about what you said.
KEY TAKEAWAY
Skip the warning. Say what you noticed and why you are raising it, say it kindly once, then listen.
TEST YOURSELF
You need to give tough feedback. Which opening is best?
PRACTISE IT
Try this lesson in the arcade
Quick retro games that start with this lesson’s situations. One thumb, one to three minutes, free.
