GUIDE · HARD CONVERSATIONS
Difficult conversations with employees: a simple structure and example scripts
Every manager has a conversation they have been putting off. Missed deadlines, a poor attitude, a complaint from a colleague, a personal hygiene issue. The longer it waits, the bigger it gets, and the more unfair it feels to the person when it finally comes out.
Difficult conversations go better with a simple structure. It will not make them easy, but it stops you rambling, softening the message until it disappears, or getting pulled into an argument.
Prepare in 10 minutes
- Write the message in one sentence. If you cannot, you are not ready.
- Note two or three specific examples: what happened, when, and the impact.
- Decide what you want to happen next. A change in behaviour? A plan? Their side of the story first?
- Think about how they might react, and what you will say if they do.
- Book a private room or a call with the camera on, at a time that is not right before they present to clients.
Open with the point
Say why you are meeting within the first minute. Small talk first makes people more anxious, not less.
I want to talk about the last three deadlines on the client reports. I’m concerned, and I want to understand what’s happening.
I’ve had feedback about how the meeting with the design team went on Thursday, and I want to hear your side.
Describe, then listen
Describe what happened and its impact, using the specific examples you prepared. Avoid labels like “lazy” or “unprofessional”; describe the behaviour instead. Then stop and ask for their view, and listen to the whole answer before you respond.
On Monday, Wednesday and Friday the reports went out after 6pm. The client noticed and asked whether we have enough people on it. What’s going on from your side?
If they get upset or angry
- Tears: pause, offer a minute or a glass of water, and say “Take your time. We can carry on when you’re ready.” Do not drop the message.
- Anger: lower your voice, do not argue each point, and say “I can see this feels unfair. Tell me what I’m missing.”
- Denial: go back to the specific examples calmly. “Let’s look at Wednesday’s report together.”
- If it is not going anywhere, stop and agree a time to continue the next day. That is a skill, not a failure.
Agree what happens next
End with one or two specific actions, an owner and a date, and a time to check in. Then send a short written summary the same day, in neutral language. If the issue continues, that note is the start of a fair record.
So we’ve agreed you’ll flag any report that’s at risk by 2pm, and we’ll look at your workload together on Monday. Let’s check how it’s going in two weeks.
Free tools for this
Frequently asked questions
How do you start a difficult conversation with an employee?
State the purpose in the first minute, plainly and calmly, for example: “I want to talk about the last three deadlines. I’m concerned and want to understand what’s happening.” Then describe specific examples and ask for their view.
What if an employee cries during a difficult conversation?
Pause, give them time, and offer to carry on when they are ready. Stay kind, but do not drop or soften the message so much that it gets lost.
Should you write down a difficult conversation?
Yes. Send a short, neutral summary of what was discussed and agreed on the same day. It avoids misunderstandings and, if the problem continues, forms part of a fair record.
When is it too late to have the conversation?
It is rarely too late, but the longer you wait the harder and less fair it becomes. Raise issues within days, not at the annual review.
One-minute lessons on this
TOPIC 13The cost of putting off a performance conversation
TOPIC 25Why saving feedback for the annual review backfires
TOPIC 52What to do when someone cries in your one-to-one
TOPIC 17Why your strongest performer still needs honest feedback
TOPIC 49Why “be more proactive” isn’t feedback
TOPIC 06Why vague feedback leads to the same mistakes again
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