GUIDE · NEW MANAGERS
How to manage people who used to be your peers (and friends)
Being promoted over the people you used to sit next to is one of the hardest starts a manager can have. Yesterday you shared complaints about the boss; today you are the boss. Some colleagues are pleased for you, one may have wanted the job, and everyone is watching to see if you change.
The good news is that most of the awkwardness comes from things nobody says out loud. Saying them early, plainly and kindly fixes most of it.
Say the awkward thing in the first week
Hold a short one-on-one with each person in your first week. Do not wait for it to come up on its own; it won’t, and the silence is worse.
This is a bit strange for both of us. I’d rather say that out loud than pretend it isn’t.
I want to keep what works about how we get on, and I’ll need to do some things differently now. If something I do feels off, tell me.
What do you want from me as your manager that you didn’t get before?
If someone else wanted the job
- Talk to them first, privately, before the rest of the team.
- Acknowledge it directly: “I know you went for this role too. I’d understand if that’s hard.”
- Ask what they want next in their career, and mean it. Give them visible, stretching work early.
- Do not over-compensate by letting them avoid the rules everyone else follows. That helps nobody.
Friendships: what changes and what doesn’t
You can stay friendly with people you now manage. What changes is that you can no longer share everything, complain about the people above you, or give your friends an easier ride.
Be most careful with the visible things: who you have lunch with every day, who you message after hours, and whose ideas you back in meetings. The team notices patterns long before you do.
Tell close friends privately that some conversations will have to stop, and why. Most people respect that far more than a friendship that quietly cools without explanation.
Your first month as their manager
- Keep doing one-on-ones every week or fortnight, even if they feel unnecessary with people you know well.
- Do not change everything at once to prove you are in charge. Ask what is working first.
- Give your first piece of corrective feedback early and fairly. Waiting makes the second one much harder.
- Hand off the work you used to do. Holding on to it is the most common new-manager mistake.
- Ask your own manager how they want you to handle the situations you are unsure about, before they happen.
Mistakes that make it harder
- Pretending nothing has changed, then suddenly enforcing rules.
- Being harder on friends to show you are fair.
- Venting about the team to a former peer who is still on it.
- Avoiding the person who wanted your job.
Free tools for this
Frequently asked questions
Can you be friends with the people you manage?
You can be friendly and close, but some things have to change: you cannot share everything you know, complain about leadership with them, or treat friends differently from the rest of the team.
What should I say to my team after being promoted?
Acknowledge that it is a change for everyone, say what you want to keep and what you will need to do differently, and ask each person what they want from you as their manager.
How do I give feedback to a former peer?
The same way you would to anyone: describe the specific situation, the behaviour and its impact, then ask for their view. Give the first piece of feedback early so it does not feel like a big event.
What if a former peer refuses to accept me as their manager?
Talk to them privately, name what you are seeing, and ask what is behind it. If it continues and affects the work, treat it as a performance issue and involve your own manager.
One-minute lessons on this
More guides
- Stay interview questions: find out why people stay before they leave
- Your first team meeting as a new manager: agenda and what to say
- How to delegate as a manager without losing quality (or sleep)
- Difficult conversations with employees: a simple structure and example scripts
- How to organize and run a team meeting people don’t dread
- How to handle conflict between two employees
- What to do when an employee keeps missing deadlines
- Remote team check-ins: how to stay close without micromanaging
- What to say when an employee resigns (and what to do next)
- Constructive feedback examples: what to say, and how to say it
- How to say no to your boss without damaging the relationship
- Employee recognition examples that people actually remember
- Your first 90 days as a new manager: a week-by-week plan
- How to deliver bad news to your team (with example wording)
- Year-end performance reviews: a 6-week checklist for managers